Are you still here? Want to know more? Okay...
So, after we had been dating in secret for awhile (over two years), our relationship got pretty serious. We loved being with each other every second that we could be. We had so much fun together, we had the best talks, we related to each other in so many ways. We knew that we wanted to get married someday (Kris had already bought my ring). We knew it was getting to the point where we needed to tell our families. We would talk about how we wanted to tell them and what that would look like. We both knew, if we wanted our relationship to grow and become what we hoped it to be, we would have to tell people soon. But things were so perfect; we didn't see the rush and we didn't want anything or anyone to ruin our bliss. And to be honest, we thought everyone had probably assumed we were in a relationship by now.
In my "ABOUT" section you can read about how I ended up having to tell my mom and stepdad. Not the most ideal coming out story, but it ended up being okay. I truly thought I would never see some of my family members ever again. I knew a lot of my siblings were mildly (or not so mildly) homophobic. This broke my heart and made me terribly sad, but I knew that I couldn't hide or pretend anymore. It was time to be the true me, like it or not.
This is where my relationship with Kris got rocky. After telling my mom and stepdad didn't go as smoothly as I would've hoped, I was pretty sad. I hate disappointing people I love. But, I pushed forward. About a month after telling my mom, I told a friend who was supportive and kind. I felt some hope grow. Within that week, since I was feeling good, I decided to tell someone else - a lady I worked for. This is where things really change. She was the first person that had ever got through to me and made me listen to what they had to say even when it was exactly what I didn't want to hear. I had heard a lot of what she said in church already, but for some reason, hearing it from her made me feel like I could change - that I could be fixed. God would save me.
I told Kris that night (on the phone) that we needed to talk, and the next day we went our separate ways; not without a lot of tears. It came as a total shock to Kris, since our relationship was so perfect at the time. It was the most painful good-bye I had ever felt. I was devastated. It was so confusing, saying goodbye to some you love and want to marry. Over the previous two (almost three) years, we had pretty much eliminated everyone else from being in our lives. I was so worried about Kris; her family still didn't know anything at this point. I knew she would need people in her life to comfort her since I would no longer be there.
I decided to call her mom. That was terrifying for me. I felt like I was betraying Kris by telling her family without her permission, but I felt like it was the right thing to do in the circumstance. Little did I know that at that very moment, Kris was on the phone telling her only sister. I called Kris and told her that I had just told her mom about our relationship, and that I only wanted her to have the support and love she deserved from her family. Luckily, Kris wasn't mad at me. Kris' family was so supportive. What a blessing.
And so we went our separate ways. I moved out of my parents' house and into the lady's house that I worked for. I lived in her basement for the next year or so. I started meeting with my Stake President and Bishop weekly. I liked those meetings; they were very encouraging. I would leave them feeling like I really could do this. I could be different. That is where and when I realized my heart and my mind could never agree. I knew where my heart was - it was still madly in love with a person I shouldn't be with, or I would go to hell. My mind was made up that I could do this, I could change, and I would. And so it went for the next three years. But not without falter - I would have "weak" times where I would run back to Kris, saying how sorry I was and that I didn't know what I was doing.
It was so hard. I kept going back to the place where I knew I shouldn't be, and it wasn't fair to anyone. It would give Kris false hope, it would disappoint the people I was working with, and it would confuse me. Every time I went back to Kris (probably ten times in those three years), it was for a few days, a week at most. The lady I was working for could always tell when I had been seeing Kris again (probably because I was happier). I am sure it was very disappointing for her. I recall her at some point telling me, "It's a slippery slope, and this is what Satan wants. He wants you to fail, this is his plan, not God's." But I couldn't help it. I couldn't change my heart. In my mind I would be very disappointed in myself and so frustrated that I kept making these mistakes. I wanted to be pleasing in the eyes of my Heavenly Father and everyone else in my life. I would feel so much guilt. I would really beat myself up in my head and this just made me more depressed than ever. We found an LDS counselor who started a different process; I am sure she thought I could use all the help I could get. I was doing everything that was I told to do - reading my scriptures every day, praying more than I had ever prayed (like every hour). I was going to church every Sunday and getting involved. I started going on dates with different guys, and I even started to write a missionary that I was friends with in high school in hopes that, by creating lots of opportunities, God would fix me. Eventually, I felt like I was ready to move out and be on my own. I was strong and ready! I felt like I was well on my way to being fixed at this point. I moved in with some roommates and loved this next part of the journey. I was doing things my way - making the choices to go to church and get involved because I wanted to. At one point, after attending a singles ward for a while, I started to date a guy who I could really see myself with. I thought, "This is it! I'm going to marry this guy and be fixed!" But I soon realized that I was living a lie. I couldn't bring him into my mess! I realized how unfair it would be to marry someone when you really don’t love them romantically. I even tried to force that part. We were great friends and I thought everything about him was what I should want, but it never felt right. This is where the problem is for me - I can never get there romantically with a guy.
Toward this part of my journey (end of three years), Kris had started dating someone else. I was extremely jealous and depressed. I was going to lose the love of my life, and I just couldn't! I had been praying to be fixed and for a change of heart for all of these years and never received it. That is when my prayers started to change. I prayed that God would love me regardless, and that he would give me comfort in the choice I needed to make. Luckily, that part was clear as day for me - I had received my answer. God loved me and understood me and my heart. The peace this brought me was overwhelming. I knew what I needed to do. No one could change my mind or take away the answer I received. I went back to Kris, and this time it was for good. I had never felt more confident and happy in a choice. This is where my life truly felt like it started.